


The Box in the Closet

by the__magpie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 10x20, Gen, Implied Castiel/Dean Winchester, post-Angel Heart, supernatural books
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-02
Updated: 2015-05-03
Packaged: 2018-03-28 17:37:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3863464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the__magpie/pseuds/the__magpie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a cardboard box in the closet of the spare room Jody gives her, Claire Novak finds a bunch of books called "Supernatural," written by some guy called Carver Edlund. Weirdly enough, they seem to be all about Sam and Dean. And maybe, eventually, Castiel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> post 10x20

It started when Claire was clearing out the closet of the spare room Jody gave her. Jody had taken her shopping for new clothes – Alex had grudgingly come along too, rolling her eyes dramatically but eyeing the new girl curiously whenever she thought Claire wasn’t looking. Now Claire had two full shopping bags full of new clothes, and a closet full of old junk that she didn’t know what to do with.

Most of it she dumped on the floor for Jody to figure out herself. There were a few old, unloaded rifles that she examined interestedly, before throwing them aside. An old yearbook was shoved in the corner, and Claire flipped through it until she found a picture of a young Jody Mills in a lavender dress, her arms around the neck of a boy, both of them grinning at the camera. Rolling her eyes at the clothes that they thought were actually _fashionable_ back then, Claire tossed the book onto the pile as well.

At the back of the closet, underneath a bright blue windbreaker that looked like it belonged to a five year old, Claire found a cardboard box. When she opened it up, it was filled with nothing but paperbacks, at least twenty of them, none of them much thicker than the width of her thumb. Each had the word SUPERNATURAL printed on the spine in spindly letters.

Claire picked up the first, which was simply titled _Supernatural_ by Carver Edlund. The cover depicted two burly men staring into the distance; one was shirtless and had hair nearly as long as Claire’s. She snorted; this must be some crappy romance novel. She hadn’t pegged Jody as the type to collect those, but then again, Jody was a middle-aged single mom. Sure she was a cop, but she still needed some sort of entertainment, right? Claire’s curiosity getting the better of her, she flipped the book over to read the back.

_“Along a lonely California highway, a mysterious Woman in White lures men to their deaths…a terrifying phenomenon that may be Sam and Dean’s first clue to their father’s whereabouts.”_

Wait. Sam and Dean?

Claire flipped to the first page, which read “ _Lawrence, Kansas, 22 years ago.”_ She didn’t know much about the Winchester brothers, but they were from Kansas, weren’t they? She scanned the first chapter, which depicted their mother, Mary, burning on the ceiling. Hadn’t Sam mentioned that his mother died when he was a baby?

“Jody?” Claire called. Almost immediately, Jody appeared in her bedroom doorway; she had been hovering near Claire almost nonstop ever since she arrived two days ago. Claire held up the book in her hand. “What the hell is this?”

Jody looked startled for a second, before a grin broke across her face and she covered her mouth with her hand. “Oh, dear. I forgot I had those.”

“What are they?” Claire demanded. “They mention Sam and Dean.”

“They’re, well, they’re books about them,” Jody said, crossing the room to sit on the floor beside Claire. She picked up a book at random, grimacing when she was rewarded with a cover picture of someone who looked suspiciously like Dean in the middle of making out with a girl with dark skin and curly hair. “I bought them for research on monsters – and maybe a little bit of blackmail on the boys – but I never got around to reading them.”

“But how are there _books_ about them?”

“I don’t really understand it myself, but I think it has to do with some prophet.” Jody shrugged. “I don’t know. Angelic stuff.” She paused, tensing for a moment, as if afraid she had hit a sore spot. Claire ignored her.

“And Sam and Dean know about them?” Claire asked, flipping through the first book. She stopped on an illustration of the two boys leaning against a car that looked exactly like the old Impala they still drove.

“They do. Apparently it’s caused them some trouble in the past.” Jody chuckled. “Someday I’ll get around to reading them and those boys will never hear the end of it.”

Claire scanned the titles of the books in front of her – _Hook Man, Salvation, Mystery Spot_ , ending with number 24, _No Rest for the Wicked._ They didn’t give her much of a clue as to what was inside. “Do you…do you know if my…if Castiel is in any of them?” she asked quietly.

The look Jody gave her was a little too understanding, and Claire quickly looked away, running her finger over the bumpy spines of the books lined up in a row.

“I don’t think so,” Jody said gently, as if she were speaking to a much younger child. “At least not in these. Though I’ve heard some of the later stories are online, if you want to check that.”

“Hmm,” Claire hummed.

“You know what?” Jody said. “I’ll give you a job to do, if you want. You can read through these books, and whenever they mention a new monster, you take note of it for me and write down any important information about it. Then you can see if they mention Castiel, and you’ll be doing me a favor too. But only if you want to.”

“Maybe,” Claire hedged.

“Jody!” Alex called from the other room in a bored voice. “I think your casserole is burning.”

“Shit.” Jody jumped to her feet. “I’ll help you clear the rest of this stuff out after dinner, Claire!” She ran from the room, and Claire could hear her scolding Alex for not calling her sooner, while Alex grumbled in response.

After a moment’s hesitation, Claire put the lid back on the cardboard box. She had dealt with the Winchesters enough recently; she didn’t want to think about them anymore now. Kicking the box aside, she moved to finish clearing the closet out.

* * *

A few days went by as Claire slowly settled into her new home, and she tried not to think about the cardboard box now sitting at the bottom of her closet. Jody had helped her move the rest of the junk out, but they had kept the box there, and Jody hadn’t brought it up again. Claire began to settle into the routine of her new life, but she couldn’t get the books out of her head.

It was a week before Claire opened up the box again. She woke up around 2am after a nightmare in which her mom died in her arms, which was becoming an almost nightly occurrence. Instead of falling back asleep like she usually did, she lay twisted up in her blankets, blinking back tears and trying to steady her racing heartbeat. After a few moments, she leaned across her bedside table and switched the lamp on.

She climbed out of bed and crossed to her closet, where she pulled the cardboard box out and opened up the lid. She grabbed the first book, _Supernatural_ , and stared at the cover for a moment.

There had to be paper and a pencil in this room somewhere. Claire crossed the room again and started rifling through the desk that sat in the room that she had never thought she would use. In one of the bottom drawers, she found a spiral notebook with a cartoon fire engine on the front – why did Jody even have this? – and a pencil without its tip snapped off. Grabbing these things and the book, she curled up on her bed and began reading.

_“Lawrence, Kansas, 22 years ago…”_

* * *

She stayed up the rest of the night and finished four of the books. This Carver Edlund person was an atrocious writer, but the plots were engaging and flew by quickly. Claire found it amusing, and maybe a little sad, to compare the Sam and Dean she knew now to the ones in the book, ten years younger. They were so different, but in some ways, just the same.

She had filled up a good eight pages of the spiral notebook, starting with “thing that killed Mary,” which she had next to no information on, all the way through “Bloody Mary.” Every creature mentioned, and every tiny piece of information about it, she recorded. She had always hated this kind of thing in school, but now…it wasn’t so bad.

Jody found her in the morning, bleary eyed but still awake, surrounded by paperbacks. She didn’t say anything about the books, just told her that breakfast was ready, and it was her turn to do the dishes after this meal.

* * *

Claire tried to get other things done that day, but she kept returning to the stupid Supernatural books and the firetruck notebooks with all her notes. She flew through another two books by lunchtime.

After a while, she started to get a little tired of Edlund’s overuse of adverbs, and the way he constantly described Dean’s “chiseled jaw” and Sam’s “flowing hair.” But despite this, she couldn’t seem to put them down.

She liked Sam; he was more open, more willing to show his emotions. And after what happened with Jess, she kept being amazed that he was able to keep going. But she also liked Dean’s bravado, the devil-may-care attitude that had softened over the years but that she had still glimpsed when she met him. She felt like she was getting to know these boys more now than she had in the days that she had actually spent with them.

* * *

 “And John never even answered his phone. What an asshole, right? Like, your son is dying, but you can’t even pick up?” Claire realized that her voice had risen much louder than she had intended, and she quickly closed her mouth.

Alex was smirking at her. “Sounds like somebody’s got daddy issues,” she said in a sing-song voice.

“Shut up,” Claire muttered, stabbing at her bowl of macaroni and cheese. Jody had been called away to the sheriff’s department, leaving the two girls to fend for themselves for dinner, and before she knew it Claire had begun telling Alex all about the Supernatural books. They had hardly had a full conversation before this, and Alex kept giving her exasperated eye-rolls, but Claire couldn’t help herself. She was on the eleventh book, _Faith_ , and she was not slowing down.

“Why do you care so much about those dumb hunters, anyway?” Alex drawled, leaning back so that her chair balanced on its back legs.

“I don’t,” Claire scowled.

“I know they sent you here, but they did for me too, and I don’t give a fuck what they did ten years ago.”

“I don’t care about them!” Claire said again, vehemently.

“Sure sounds like you do,” Alex persisted, an infuriated smirk still hanging on her lips.

Claire huffed a frustrated breath, tilting her head back. “It’s for my dad, okay?”

Alex lifted an eyebrow. “Your dad is one of the Winchesters?”

“No! He’s not in the books, not yet anyways…and he’s not actually my dad, he’s just…” She groaned. “It’s complicated, okay?”

“I’m starting to get that,” Alex said. “But look, I was raised by vampires, okay? Then I got turned into one, then got turned human again. We’ve all got shit in our pasts that doesn’t make sense, and we’ve all got stuff that we can’t let go of. But it is what it is, you know?”

Claire nodded slowly, trying not to get caught up on the whole “turned into a vampire” thing.

“Now shut up and let me eat my dinner,” Alex said, shoving a spoonful of macaroni into her mouth.

* * *

 Claire went to bed that night at a normal hour, putting the pile of books across the room so that she wouldn’t be tempted to stay up reading.

Her nightmare was about the books, which was unsurprising. In it, she was sitting on her mom’s lap while her mom read aloud to her. For a moment, Claire felt safe and happy for the first time in years, but the feeling disappeared as soon as her mom started reading about Castiel.

“It’s your fault, Claire,” she said, her voice hollow, and Claire knew she wasn’t reading anymore. “All of this is your fault.”

Claire screamed when she looked down and saw blood soaking through her mom’s shirt from her middle, staining Claire’s own clothes. She tried to scramble away, but her mom’s arms were tight around her, holding her in place while she her voice grew louder and louder, blaming Claire for everything they had gone through.

“Claire! Claire, honey, wake up!”

Jody’s face swam into focus, pale in the darkness. Claire choked back a sob, mortified to feel tears on her cheeks. She sat up in bed, trying to stop her hands from shaking.

“It’s was a dream, honey, just a dream,” Jody was murmuring, her voice soothing, her hand stroking Claire’s hair. She was still in uniform, most likely just got home. Alex stood in the doorway, watching silently, but she disappeared as soon as Claire noticed her. Claire looked down, embarrassed.

“I’m fine,” she whispered, but her voice came out all twisted and uncertain. She cleared her throat. “I’m fine,” she said again, more assuredly.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jody asked.

“No,” Claire said firmly. “I’m going to sleep now.” She lay back down, turning her back toward Jody. For a second, Jody seemed to hesitate, then she patted Claire’s shoulder.

“Sleep well. Call for me if you need anything.”

Then she left, closing the door behind her. Claire lay still, her eyes wide open. She could feel the books from across the room, and she was half tempted to spend the rest of the night reading like she had the night before. But no, she needed distance from them.

Still, she hardly closed her eyes for the rest of the night, terrified that she would be confronted with her mom’s accusatory eyes and confining arms.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day, her reading pace slowed down considerably; she only got through three of the books in the course of the day, reaching up to the part when John died to save Dean. The guilt that Dean felt was all too relatable to Claire. Only a week ago, she had seen her mom die to save her, and a few years earlier, her dad had given his life so that she wouldn’t be bound to an angel. She found herself wiping moisture from her eyes while she read.

Meanwhile, Jody convinced her to apply for a job at the local movie theatre. It was too late in the year for her to start school, but Jody still wanted her to have something to do with herself besides sit around and read books. Besides, Alex, who was finishing up her senior year with barely passing grades, had been complaining endlessly about how _she_ still had to go to school but _Claire_ got to do nothing all day and didn’t have to worry about graduating high school and how it was _so unfair_. This was Jody’s compromise.

Claire’s resume was extremely empty, but Jody said that she would put in a good word for her. Then they spent the afternoon at the grocery store, stocking up on comfort foods for Alex, who had finals soon. It was wishful thinking, really, that Alex would actually put some effort into studying.

The next few days passed slowly, as Claire worked her way through the remaining Supernatural books. She interviewed and somehow got the job at the movie theatre, which Jody celebrated by making a chocolate cake – Claire’s favorite. Alex, in a foul mood from all her schoolwork, grumbled about how Jody never celebrated when _she_ did well in school, to which Jody pointed out that Alex didn’t even _try_ in school.

In the books, Sam was dying and Dean was selling his soul, and Claire couldn’t help but feel a little exasperated at the codependency that they _still_ hadn’t grown out of, almost ten years later. Besides, because she had met Dean, alive and well, she knew that there was no way he was actually going to go to hell. She was still interested to see how they were going to get out of it.

When she read _Mystery Spot_ , Jody found her laughing on the living room couch. Jody smiled, confused but pleased, and Claire just shook her head, unable to explain. The laughter loosened something in her chest that had been heavy and oppressing until this moment, making her feel lighter than she could remember feeling in years.

She reached the final book, _No Rest for the Wicked_ , about five days after she originally started. It was one of the most intense ones she had read; she was glued to it, convinced that they were still going to make it out of Dean’s demon deal somehow. When the book ended with Sam sobbing over Dean’s torn up body and Dean screaming his brother’s name from hell, Claire put the book down, shocked.

That couldn’t be it. Dean was alive still…and even though Castiel had mentioned that he had been a demon, that was only recently. And she distinctly remembered Dean being there when she was twelve, when…everything happened.

Plus, if she had the timeline correct, Dean died in 2008, which was around the same time that Claire’s dad disappeared. If Castiel was going to come into the story, it had to be around now.

Jody had mentioned that there were more of the books online. Claire threw the last book aside, grabbing the laptop Jody had bought her, and immediately went on a search for the rest of the Supernatural books. It took some digging through old forums and fangirls writing in all caps about their “slash ships,” whatever that was supposed to mean, before she found the next story. It was uploaded by someone called “beckywinchester176,” but it seemed to be the real deal.

The story was called _Lazarus Rising_. It started out with Dean crawling out of his grave, four months after he died. It wasn’t until the part when Dean heard the piercing noise at the gas station that Claire began to suspect what was happening.

Then when that psychic, Pamela, said, “Castiel?” Claire’s insides went cold. She had been right. She didn’t understand how, but this was where her father came into the story.

Finally, at the end of the book, Castiel entered. Edlund described him as “a man in an oversized trenchcoat and a blue tie, with wild dark hair and eyes bluer than the ocean,” and Claire found herself laughing through the tears that rose unexpectedly to her eyes. When Castiel spoke – “I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition” – his voice was described as “deep and low like distant thunder.” Claire snorted. He was being portrayed as some sort of romantic hero, when it wasn’t even Castiel’s appearance being described. Claire had seen Castiel, the real Castiel, when he possessed her for that short time, and he looked nothing like a “holy tax accountant,” as Dean said.

When Castiel mentioned her dad in passing, her breath caught in her throat. _“This is a vessel,”_ Castiel said. _“He’s a devout man. He actually prayed for this.”_ Claire found herself growing angry at him all over again. _That doesn’t mean it’s right_ , she wanted to yell at him. _That doesn’t mean he can leave behind his family and you can do whatever you want with him._

The story ended, and Claire hesitated in clicking on the next one. She picked up her phone and scrolled through the contacts until she found Castiel’s name. Her thumb hovered over the keyboard for a few seconds before she typed: _So, you’ve been to hell?_

Castiel responded a few moments later. _Twice. How did you know that?_

_I’m reading Carver Edlund’s books._

_I see. Chuck’s books are very informative, I hear._

_Chuck?_

_The prophet who wrote them. His pseudonym is Carver Edlund._

_Oh. He’s a crappy writer._

_Yes. But he was a good man :)_

Wiping the last of the tears from her eyes, Claire stared at her phone. _Did you seriously just send me an emoticon smiley face?_

_Yes. I like emoticons._

Claire rolled her eyes and set her phone down to click on the next story, entitled _In the Beginning_.

* * *

Castiel was in nearly all of the stories from then on, and Claire still felt a little jolt of shock every time he entered. At first, it was easy to hate him; he followed Heaven’s order unquestioningly, he seemed to care little for the vessel he occupied, and he looked down on humanity like it was unimportant. But little by little, Claire began to see changes in him. _“I have questions, I have doubts,”_ he told Dean, and Claire found herself softening toward him despite herself. He was vulnerable, questioning himself, trying to learn what was right and what was wrong. That was something that Claire found she could relate to, especially in the past few months.

She started her new job at the movie theatre, and all the time that she wasn’t spending filling up popcorn buckets and soda cups, she spent reading the Supernatural stories on her phone. One of her coworkers, a fairly good looking guy from Alex’s high school named Dylan, asked her what she was looking at that was so interesting, but she just scowled at him and he didn’t talk to her again.

She was at the theatre when she reached the story called _The Rapture_. The stories didn’t have summaries starting out anymore, so she never knew what to expect going into them. The surprise of seeing Castiel’s name had somewhat softened by that time, but it had in no way prepared her for seeing her father’s name on the small screen.

_“I’m not Castiel,” the man who looked like Castiel said. “It’s me.”_

_Sam and Dean stared at him, confusion surging through them. “Who’s me?” Sam demanded._

_“Jimmy,” the man said. “My name’s Jimmy.”_

Claire gasped out loud, tears springing to her eyes. She closed her phone, shoving it back into her pocket; she couldn’t keep reading here. A family of five was approaching the counter, but she had started shaking, her vision blurry with tears.

“Dylan,” she croaked, getting the attention of her coworker.

“Hey, Claire, are you okay?” he asked. There was no way he hadn’t noticed the tears spilling onto her cheeks.

“Bathroom,” she managed, starting to move past him. “Can you…?” She gestured vaguely at the approaching family.

“Yeah, sure,” he said. She nodded, all but running away from the popcorn counter in the direction of the bathroom.

As soon as she was inside, she shut herself in one of the stalls and leaned against the door, forcing herself to take deep breaths. Tears were running down her cheeks, and she brushed them away, frustrated. She was just surprised, she told herself. She hadn’t been expecting to see her father’s name, and it took her by surprise, that was all. These tears were just from shock.

She stayed in the stall for a few more minutes, letting her breathing return to normal and letting the tears in her eyes dry. Then she opened door, splashed her face with cold water, and returned to the popcorn counter. Dylan asked her what was wrong, and she snapped at him to mind his own business. For the rest of her shift, she refused to look at her phone, which seemed to have grown ten times as heavy with the weight of the unread story.

When she returned home, she ate dinner with Jody and Alex, not saying a word. She told Jody that she was going to bed early, then shut herself in her room and curled up on her bed. Finally, she opened up her phone and continued reading.

Everything that Edlund described Jimmy doing was so much like her father as she remembered him, from his love of hamburgers to the way he opened his eyes very wide when he spoke seriously. Claire found herself wiping tears from her eyes as she read; they just kept coming despite all her efforts to stop them, making it hard to read the words on the screen.

_“My name is Jimmy Novak. I’m from Pontiac, Illinois. I have a family.”_

_That’s me!_ Claire wanted to scream. _Dad, that’s me, I’m here, I’m reading this!_ But her father was long gone; in this story he was alive, but in the real world he was dead and Claire was alone.

She had to stop for a few minutes to muffle her crying into her blankets, determined not to let Jody know that she was upset. At last, she kept reading. Jimmy snuck away from Sam and Dean and…she felt a new shock when she read that he ended up in front of his old house. She remembered that house; in fact, she remembered that very day, crystal clear. It had been the day after her birthday, but it was the first birthday she had spent without her dad, so both she and her mom had been too miserable to celebrate much. Everything just reminded them of him.

It was strange to see it all from her father’s perspective as he hesitated before walking up the steps of the porch. Then when he looked in the window…

_A girl of twelve sat inside, a schoolbook open in front of her. She had long blonde hair and the same blue eyes as her father._

Claire covered her mouth with her hand to stifle the noise she made. That was _her!_ Described in a book, although she still remembered everything perfectly herself. She knew what happened next without having to read it. The doorbell rang, her mom went to get it, and she heard a familiar voice that she had thought she would never hear again.

Edlund had jumped back a year in time to when Jimmy said yes to Castiel. After Castiel’s grace rushed into Jimmy’s body, after Castiel looked around at the earth with his new eyes and flexed his new hands…

_The front door opened and little Claire Novak emerged onto the porch. “Daddy?” she inquired._

_Castiel turned around, tilting his head as he regarded the blonde child before him. “I am not your father.”_

Claire released her held in breath in a slow whoosh. Those were the words that had haunted her these past seven years, the words that had echoed in her nightmares and made her want to scream at Castiel, to hurt him in any way that she could. For so long, she had thought that he was being cruel, perhaps purposefully hurting her for some reason that she couldn’t fathom. Now, she was still angry but…in an odd way, she understood. Castiel simply hadn’t known any better. He hadn’t thought to comfort the little girl that he left standing on the porch, who would never be the same again.

The story flashed back forward in time. Jimmy and Amelia were talking; Claire wanted to see her father, but Amelia wouldn’t let her. Claire remembered the frustration that she had felt as she waited out in the hallway, kicking absently at the wall, trying to overhear parts of the conversation happening in the next room over.

Then when Amelia finally let her see Jimmy…

_“Hi, Daddy,” Claire said, her innocent face smiling sweetly._

_“Hi, baby,” Jimmy said, close to tears. The little girl stepped forward and hugged her father tightly. He kissed the top of her head._

Claire remembered looking at her mom in confusion when her dad refused to say grace before they ate. She had known that the thing that took him away for so long had something to do with his faith, but she never would have guessed the truth.

The story went on, as they were attacked by demons – all Claire remembered of that was terrified confusion and her parents yelling at each other – and the Winchesters came to the rescue. They drove and drove, and at that point in the story Claire had fallen asleep. She read about the Winchesters telling Jimmy that he could never be with his family if he wanted them to be safe, then Jimmy and Amelia talking about how he had to keep his distance from them. Then Amelia and Claire parted ways with Jimmy and the Winchesters.

Then came that horrible moment when Amelia turned to Claire, slapping her hard across the face, her eyes flicking to black. Reading it, Claire lifted her hand to her face, as if she could feel her mom’s hand across the distance of years. The horror and confusion she had felt then was one of the most acute things she remembered from that night.

The demon possessing Amelia called Jimmy, threatening Claire’s life, so Jimmy and the Winchesters drove to where they were.

_“Castiel, you son of a bitch!” Jimmy screamed at the heavens. “You promised me my family would be okay, you promised you were gonna take care of them! I gave you everything you asked me to give! I gave you more! This is the thanks I get? This is what you do? Your heaven? Help me, please! You promised, Cas! Just help me!”_

Claire felt something tight inside her chest. These were all things that she had said to Castiel before, all this and more. _You promised, Castiel. You were going to protect him_. It was useless; she had learned long ago that no one was listening, but she understood exactly how her dad felt in this moment.

Jimmy went into the warehouse to find Amelia and Claire, begging with the demon inside her to let them go. Then Sam and Dean got captured, the demon bragged about her good luck, and she pulled out a gun to shoot Jimmy in the stomach.

Claire didn’t remember any of this. At this time, a voice had been whispering to her. _Claire,_ it said. She had closed her eyes, trying to ignore it, but it persisted. _Claire, my name is Castiel. I am an angel of the Lord._

 _Go away_ , she told the voice in her mind. _You stole my father from me_.

 _Claire, I can save your family. All you have to do is say yes_.

She had hesitated at that. Terror seemed to block out almost everything else, but if she had a chance to save her family, to make everything return to the way it had been before, she had to take it. In desperation, she had accepted.

Then came the heat, the light that felt like it was burning her up from the inside. And for a moment, she had _seen_ Castiel – not as he appeared in a vessel, but the real Castiel. He was all glowing grace and wings, more wings than she could count, a being so immense that she couldn’t quite wrap her mind around it. All of that somehow flowed into her tiny, twelve year old body, and she felt like she was bursting at the seams. She understood what her father had meant when he said it was like being chained to a comet. She didn’t remember anything that happened, just being dimly aware of existing but barely holding on.

Now, she read about how Castiel, possessing her body, had killed the demons working with the one possessing her mom, then how Sam had drunk the blood of one of them while Dean watched in dismay. Then Sam exorcising the demon from Claire’s mom, and Castiel knelt beside Jimmy as the life faded from him.

_“Of course we keep our promises,” Castiel said in the voice of the twelve year old girl. “Of course you have our gratitude. You served us well. Your work is done. It’s time to go home now…your real home. You’ll rest forever in the fields of the Lord.”_

Jimmy begged for Castiel to take him instead, which Claire knew about from her mom telling her about it later. Castiel tried to tell him to rest peacefully, but Jimmy refused to let Castiel take his daughter. Finally, Castiel relented, and Jimmy’s body lit up with the grace flowing into it.

Claire remembered returning to consciousness then, terrified, disoriented, only to see her father stand up and walk away with barely a glance in her direction. It was then that she had understood that he was gone for good.

The story ended with Dean locking Sam away in Bobby’s panic room, but Claire barely took it in. When she finished, she looked at the clock. It was past midnight; it had taken her much longer to get through this one because she kept having to wipe away tears. Nonetheless, she searched through her phone until she found Castiel’s number.

He picked up on the second ring. “What is it?” he demanded, his voice tight with worry. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” she assured him. “I just read the story about…about my dad, and about you.”

“Oh.” His voice softened. “Claire…”

“Don’t apologize again,” she interrupted. “I get it. You didn’t know better back then, and now you regret what you’ve done.” Her throat was tight. “I know, you’ve told me that. But you basically ruined my life.”

Castiel said nothing, but Claire could hear him breathing from the other end of the line.

“For so many years, I hated you,” she said, her voice betraying her by wobbling. A fresh tear slipped down her cheek. “I just wanted to hurt you the way that you hurt me so that you’d understand what you did to me. But I don’t know, maybe it’s weird, but I kind of get it now.”

“Claire, if I could take it back, I would,” Castiel said, his voice low. “I’ve made many mistakes before, but you are the one that I regret the most. I cannot justify taking your father away from you, but you should know that what he did, sacrificing himself, saved so many people.”

“I know, Dean told me that exact same thing,” Claire said, shutting her eyes. “But you need to understand something. My dad didn’t die to save the world. He died to save me.”

“He loved you very much,” Castiel said.

“Yeah, he did.” She took a deep breath. “He loved me more than he loved Heaven. He loved—” Her voice caught in her throat and fresh tears squeezed from her tightly closed eyes. “He sacrificed himself so that I wouldn’t have to go through what he did, not for you or because of some noble belief in some higher calling. He stopped believing in that a long time ago. I just want you to know that.”

“Thank you,” Castiel said. “If there’s anything I can do to help you, anything at all…”

Claire exhaled slowly, wiping the tears from her cheeks. “I just have one question.” She forced a smile onto her face. “Would you really have kept me as a vessel if my dad hadn’t asked you not to?”

Castiel huffed a short, surprised laugh. “It seems strange to think about now, doesn’t it? This vessel has become so much a part of who I am that I cannot imagine having a different one. But yes, I suppose I would have.”

“I’m glad you didn’t,” Claire said. “I think a twelve year old girl would have been a bit of a stretch for Dean. It’s weird enough to him that you look like a dude.”

“What?”

“Nothing.” Claire grinned despite herself. “Goodnight, Castiel.”

“Goodnight, Claire.”


	3. Chapter 3

Claire slept better that night than she had since coming to Jody’s, even sleeping in when the morning came. Jody woke her up a little past ten, surprising her with pancakes and bacon for breakfast. For the first time, Claire let herself listen and smile and laugh when Jody talked, instead of pretending that she didn’t care. Jody seemed surprised and pleased by this change.

“What happened with you?” she asked after Claire actually laughed at one of her lame jokes. “You’re acting different. Happier.”

“Nothing happened,” Claire said automatically, her face reverting back to a frown. Then she shook her head. “I talked to Castiel last night.”

Jody set down her coffee mug. “Yeah? How did that go?”

“Fine,” Claire said, fiddling with her fork. “I realized some stuff about him, and about my dad, and I think it helped to tell him.”

“That’s good,” Jody smiled. “I’m glad to hear it.”

“I don’t know how much Sam and Dean told you about what happened with him and me, but it’s…it’s complicated. And I’ve been trying to deal with it for a long time but I think I’m finally coming to terms with it.” Claire shrugged. “Castiel is all the family I have left, as weird as that is.”

Jody ran her finger along the edge of her mug. “I’ve never met Castiel myself, but from what I hear from Sam and Dean, he’s got his heart in the right place. You too may have a complicated past, but like you said, you’re still family. Family is something you should never take for granted.”

It sounded to Claire like Jody was speaking from experience, but she didn’t ask. Instead, she nodded and turned back to her half-finished plate of pancakes.

* * *

Claire kept reading the Supernatural stories, though not as avidly as before. She kept going to work at the movie theatre but she no longer read while she was on the job. Meanwhile, in the books, Sam started the apocalypse and Castiel was killed by an archangel.

Castiel had told her that this was the moment that her father had truly died. Until then, Jimmy was still alive somewhere inside, but when he was obliterated by the archangel – to save Dean, unsurprisingly – Jimmy’s soul had left the body for good and gone to heaven. Even when Castiel was brought back to life, it wasn’t really a vessel that he was inhabiting anymore, but a part of himself.

That made it easier, Claire supposed, to know that her dad’s soul was at peace. She wondered if her mom and dad had found each other up there…if it even worked like that. She hoped so; they deserved happiness.

She started texting Castiel at random times, just whatever happened to come to her mind as she read. Like, _I can’t believe Dean tried to get you laid and you chickened out_ and _I’m glad it’s 2015 and you’re not a drugged out hippie and also that the world isn’t overrun by zombies_ and _I so guessed that the trickster was an angel!_ Sometimes Castiel would text back and ask her questions, and sometimes he would just send an emoji (God, what a dork).

She reached a story called _Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid_ , which took place in Sioux Falls, Claire’s new home. This wasn’t exactly uncommon, since Bobby Singer lived there, but Claire still got a little excited whenever it happened.

This time, though, she was only a few pages in when a familiar character appeared.

_A stern looking woman wearing a sheriff’s badge approached their table. “Gentlemen. I’m Sheriff Jody Mills, I don’t believe we’ve had the pleasure.”_

Claire laughed out loud, and Jody looked up from the novel she was reading in the armchair across the living room. “What’s up?”

“You’re in this story!” Claire said, flipping her laptop around so Jody could see it. For a split second, Jody’s face broke into a delighted smile, but almost immediately it was replaced by a frown.

“You could probably…skip that story if you wanted,” Jody said, her voice quieter than usual.

“Why? It has you in it.”

Jody just shook her head. “Never mind.”

Claire gave her a questioning look but didn’t ask. She returned to reading. When book-Jody discovered that Bobby Singer was on the other end of the Winchesters’ fake FBI number, Claire looked up to grin at real-Jody, who just shrugged.

The story continued; Jody came in and out intermittently. Eventually, it was revealed that Jody had a young son and a husband. Claire was starting to get a bad feeling.

Then came the part when Jody was on the phone with the doctor, concerned about her sick son, when she heard a crash from the other room. She ran toward the sound, seeing a trail of blood on the ground, and then…

_Her little boy, gnawing on her husband’s lifeless body like it was a juicy steak. Owen lifted up his bloodstained face to stare at Jody with empty eyes._

Claire covered her mouth with her hand, horrified. She looked up; Jody was watching her, a strange expression on her face.

“Jody, oh my God,” Claire whispered. “I had no idea…”

Suddenly it all made sense – the firetruck notebook, the windbreaker in the closet that would only fit a young child, the look on Jody’s face whenever she talked about family.

“Pretty grisly, right?” Jody said, her voice heavy. “Believe me, it was worse being there. I still have nightmares.”

“I…I…” Claire struggled to think of something to say. “I’m sorry.”

Jody nodded, setting down her novel and getting up to sit beside Claire on the couch. She looked at the words on the screen for a moment, a distant smile on her face. “Little Owen. His birthday was only a few weeks ago. He would’ve been eleven.”

Claire was silent, watching Jody as she took a deep shaky breath before continuing. “He died twice. The first time, my husband and I were devastated, of course. We were so happy when he returned to us, we didn’t want to question it. Then it all went wrong and I ended up losing both of them.” She shook her head. “Should’ve known better. It was all too good to be true.”

“You couldn’t’ve known,” Claire murmured.

Jody shrugged. “I keep thinking back and wondering why I didn’t see it and hating myself for letting it happen, but I suppose there was nothing I can do now.”

“I don’t want to read the rest now,” Claire said, closing her laptop. “Did Sam and Dean…?”

“They killed Owen,” Jody nodded, her voice matter of fact. “It was the only thing they could have done. Bobby had to kill his wife too.”

“That’s horrible.”

“It was a horrible time. After that, I tried to distract myself with work, religion…Nothing worked. When I took in Alex about a year ago, I knew that a part of it was just me trying to fill up the void they left when they died.”

“And did it work?” Claire asked.

Jody smiled at her. “You can never really replace someone you’ve loved and lost. You can only learn to love again, and love someone new in different ways.”

Claire swallowed hard, thinking of her father and of Castiel. She cleared her throat. “And you love Alex?”

“Of course I do,” Jody laughed. “It may be hard to tell because we’re always arguing, but I do love her. And she loves me too, in her own way.”

Claire was silent for a few moments, taking all of this in. Then she stood up and ran into her room. She found the spiral notebook with all her notes in it on top of the pile of Supernatural books, and hurried back into the living room.

“Here,” she said, handing the notebook to Jody and sitting back down on the couch. “I stopped taking notes after the stories moved to online, but I’ve got every monster mentioned in the first 24 books in here. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that the notebook must have been your son’s.”

Jody took it and flipped through the pages. “Thank you, Claire. This will be a big help to me.”

“You’re welcome,” Claire said, looking down.

“You know you can stay here as long as you want,” Jody said gently. “Alex and I are glad to have you.”

Claire glanced up to meet Jody’s eyes. “Thanks, Jody,” she murmured. “I’d really like that.”

Without warning, Jody reached out and pulled her into a tight hug. Claire hesitated for only a moment before reaching out to hug her back. 

* * *

She finished the Supernatural stories a few days after that. _Swan Song_ ended with Sam in hell, Castiel returning to chaos in heaven, and Dean with Lisa. It was late when she finished, but nonetheless Claire found herself calling Castiel, curious to know what had happened after.

“After the apocalypse?” Castiel asked, his voice barely audible over the phone. “That was a long time ago, Claire, a lot has happened since then.”

“Why are you whispering?” she asked.

“I’m with Dean, he’s asleep.”

Claire grinned. “Yeah? How’s he doing?

She heard Castiel sigh. “No better. But he finds it easier to sleep when I’m here to watch over him.”

“Well, don’t let me wake him up.”

“Give me a moment,” Castiel said. There was the sound of movement from the other end, then a door closing. “I’m in the hallway. Anyways, as I was saying, there’s a lot to cover.”

“Just give me a basic overview,” Claire persisted.

“Well.” Castiel took a deep breath. “I brought Sam back from hell, but accidentally forgot his soul, but then he got it back again, and I started working with Crowley and betrayed Sam and Dean, and then I became God, and then I died and accidentally brought Leviathan to earth, then I came back to life and went insane, and then we defeated Dick Roman, but Dean and I ended up in Purgatory for a year, but we came back and I was controlled by an angel named Naomi, and I eventually started working with Metatron, but he betrayed me and I became human briefly before I stole another angel’s grace, then Dean got the Mark of Cain and ended up dying and becoming a demon, but Sam and I found him and cured him.”

Claire was silent for a moment. Then, “You made all those mistakes and _I’m_ your biggest regret?”

“Like I said before,” Castiel said, and Claire could hear the smile in his voice. “It’s important to me that you’re happy.”

Claire didn’t really know how to respond to that, so she said, “Castiel, can I ask you a question?”

“What is it?”

“My parents…they’re both in heaven, right? Are they happy?”

“Yes,” Castiel said. “I asked Hannah about them specifically, to make sure. They’re happy, and they’re together. Only true soulmates are able to share a heaven.”

“Soulmates,” Claire repeated, smiling.

“And…they’re watching over you still,” Castiel said softly. “They’re proud of you, Claire, and they love you so much.”

Claire closed her eyes, her throat growing tight. “Yeah, I know they do. Thank you, Castiel.”

“Of course, Claire.”

“Hey, tell Sam and Dean hi from me. Tell them I’m doing well.”

“I will.”

“Bye. Take care of yourself.”

“Goodbye.”

After she hung up, she lay back on the couch, keeping her eyes closed until the tight feeling was gone from her throat. She opened her eyes when she heard a crunching noise nearby.

Alex was standing at the end of the couch, chewing on an apple. Jody was out again tonight doing sheriff things, so it was just the girls at home.

“Who were you talking to?” Alex asked through a mouthful of apple.

“Um,” Claire said. “My…my dad. Sort of. It’s complicated.”

“Hmm. Hey, I was wondering, am I in those books you’ve been reading? Because Jody is, right?”

“She is, but you’re not. They ended, like, five years ago.”

Alex frowned. “That’s around the time that Jody’s family died. Does it have that in there? That’s not right. People shouldn’t be able to read about a person’s life unless that person wants them to.”

She looked genuinely pissed off, and Claire remembered what Jody had said about Alex loving her back in her own way. She nodded. “I know, it’s pretty messed up.”

Alex huffed out a frustrated breath. “Anyways, I was wondering, since Jody’s out tonight, if you wanted to come with me to my friend Jack’s house. He’s having a bunch of people over, it’s pretty much a party. You could meet some of my friends since you’ve been a total loner since you got here and you know, like, nobody.”

Surprised, Claire sat up. “What, now?”

“When else?”

“Yeah, okay. Just let me grab my coat.”

Claire hurried into her room while Alex waited in the living room. Before she headed out again, Claire texted Castiel. _Stay in touch, Cas. I’ll be here_. Then she grabbed her jacket and ran out to join Alex.

_Fin._


End file.
